By onlinesoph

1. It’s not enough to simply be a good chef, beautiful dancer or a fantastic singer. The activity in question must be your life. Get emotional when you talk about said activity. Shed a tear or two. Finish up by saying that if you didn’t win said competition, your life as you know it would be over. Remember – it can never be about the money (at least not on camera).

2. If you are not attractive, you must be “TV unattractive”, i.e. unattractive only to the point where the show decides to do a makeover, in which you suddenly look like a supermodel. This only applies for women.

3. Background is everything. Come from a rough upbringing and you’re doing pretty well. A rough upbringing in a country town is even better (apparently people in Lithgow or Tamworth don’t do anything interesting other than work on a farm). You may be able to up the stakes slightly if you throw in a disability, financial troubles or are a single parent. Have a relative recently pass away and you’ve hit paydirt.

4. Have a name that fits on a placard. Preferably something that aliterates well with other words.

5. Wanting things “really really badly” can make up for any talent you may lack. If your performance is substandard, fall back on this line and you might just pull through.

6. You must perfect a signature move. This is for when the camera pans on you while the host invites people to SMS your name in to win. Head bobs are good, perhaps a little jive. If you’re a young girl, smiling sweetly and looking nervous (yet sexy) never fails. You must plan this move ahead of time, or else you will wind up looking like a dope.

7. If you’re obnoxious or have a bit of an attitude, that’s okay – so long as you have a life-changing, ‘breakthrough’ moment brought on by a tiny, annoying trainer or faux-army general wearing sunglasses.

8. Life is one big journey. Never forget it. And every decision must be a choice between “your head or your heart”.

9. Remember, Asian people cook Asian food, African Amercians sing R&B and Brizilians shake their booty. If you are Asian/Greek/African Amercian, you must act Asian/Greek/African Amercian, even if it means faking it. Most reality TV judges are rich and white – anything that isn’t, well, rich and white, is interesting and exotic.