Give and Take

Over at Mamamia Mia Freedman writes an interesting post on Givers and Takers in relationships. She writes:

“…the idea of some people being inherently and consistently a Giver or a Taker is an interesting one. And it doesn’t just apply to couples and relationships. It can apply to friendships too…it’s always a surprise when I encounter people who just Take. All the time. Unflinchingly. Or, as my friend Wendy puts it “Some people have a ‘receive’ button but no ‘send.’” And she’s right, you know. Spot on, in fact. Extreme Takers are a mental and emotional drain on your time, your energy and ultimately your patience.”

I think for any relationship to work, both parties need to have a bit of both.It goes without saying that you shouldn’t be a Taker all the time. I have never been friends with a chronic Taker, nor do I ever want to. But what about the flip side? Although it may sound all holy and selfless, it’s not a particularly noble thing to say you are constantly a Giver. I will share with you a revelation I only learnt last year through a bit of counseling, free of charge for you: Giving all the time is not the same as the Biblical command to put others first.

For example, my husband puts me first, but part of doing that is allowing me to serve and love him – growing both our relationship and my own personal godliness. Same with friendships. If you’re always giving, you’re never allowing the the other person to also give to the relationship, or yourself a chance to experience what it’s like to be served.

Then there’s the pesky issue of our motives. I used to be all Give and little Take in order to please people and Take Care of Everyone In The World (hello oldest child syndrome). Sometimes it was because I would rather make people happy than do the right thing, which might involve upsetting people. Mark Driscoll also makes an acute observation on people in churches who seemingly are all Give, but do so in order to win favour with the pastor or live out a works-based religion. Godliness involves giving to others, but being a constant Giver is not necessarily a godly thing.

Sermons at church often focus on people who are too much Take, not enough Give; the proverbial kick-up-the-bum for pew sitters. One commonly used statistic that 10% of people in churches do 90% of the work. But have we ever thought about a church where there are lots of Givers and little Takers? On the whole, churches grow generous people, willing to serve, willing to give. Of course, everyone gets busy and there is always more to be done. And there is always room for the occasional proverbial kick-up-the-bum. But what’s hard is creating a culture – especially in Western society – where people feel safe to admit their vulnerabilities and ask for help. Our pastor Pete said a while ago, “we need to be a church where people aren’t afraid of inconveniencing each other.” I think this is true.  Too often people (including myself) think:

“I really need a lift to X, but I’m so out of the way, I don’t want to bother people. I just won’t go.”
“I really can’t afford to go to this year’s retreat, but I don’t want people to know I’m having financial difficulties, so I’ll just miss out.”
“I’m lonely and could use a girlfriend to come round and visit, but I’m too shy to ask anyone, so I won’t.”
“I need help dealing with a sin and want someone to pray with, but I don’t want anyone to know I’m struggling.”
“I wish someone would help me in my ministry, but everyone is so busy – I’ll just struggle alone.”

And too often, people are quick to reply, “If only I’d known you were struggling! I would have helped you out.”

Give and take is important in nurturing healthy relationships and healthy congregations.

That’s what I think, anyway. Discuss.