“So why do you blog?”
It’s a question I get asked now and then. Although mummy bloggers often have book deals and career aspirations in mind when they start blogging, my reason was far simpler than that. I was restless. After half a year of deciding whether to watch Oprah or Ellen for the lunchtime breastfeed, I wanted to exercise my brain. To push myself to articulate the thoughts that race through my head; even the ones about jeggings and Masterchef.
I get a mixed reaction when I share this reason with other mums. While most are encouraging, a few have taken issue with my desire to ‘exercise my brain’. As one mum succinctly put it, “you don’t check your brain at the door when you have children.” She had a good point. By saying I wanted to be challenged, was I denigrating motherhood as a mindless task?
The fault lies in my clumsy phrasing. Raising a child definitely requires a fair bit of brainpower. Since having a baby, I’ve been mentally challenged in ways I never experienced in full-time paid work. Teaching a distressed baby to sleep, or entertaining a rambunctious toddler on a rainy day is no easy task. I say that with complete sincerity. Mothering requires daily doses of thoughtfulness and ingenuity, and I’m told it only gets harder from now on.
But I’ll be honest. Although parenting is challenging, there are parts of my mind that are latent as a stay at home mum. My baby doesn’t need me to write a feature article, or synthesise large volumes of information into a couple of snappy paragraphs. You really don’t need a degree in journalism to give a compelling rendition of That’s Not My Puppy. And yes, there are times when I miss using that part of my brain. Some days, I miss it a lot.
This doesn’t mean I don’t delight in my son. Children don’t exist to satisfy our intellectual needs, in the same way spouses aren’t able to complete us (sorry Jerry Macquire). In marriage, I enjoy doing things that don’t involve my husband like spending time with girlfriends, but that doesn’t mean I don’t delight in our relationship. The same goes with motherhood. It’s okay to say other things challenge you in a way your child doesn’t. It doesn’t make you a bad mother. Just human.
All this isn’t revolutionary – most mums have something they turn to for mental stimulation, whether its work, reading up on areas of interest, signing up for a class or doing a crossword puzzle. The problem, as I said before, is clumsy phrasing. Saying “I do (insert activity here) to use my brain” gets our defences up. For those of us who choose to stay at home with our children, it gives the impression that what we do with 90% of our time is mindless, when that couldn’t be further from the truth. I’m also not fond of the phrase, “I need to do (activity) in order to be me again.” Who you are isn’t dependent on what you do. You don’t suddenly find your ideal self when you become a mother, but neither do you lose your identity.
So maybe a better expression is ‘I blog to exercise my brain in a different context’ (okay, that’s a terrible expression, but you get my gist). Both require brainpower and stimulate my mind in different ways. Both are rewarding; albeit to different degrees and in different ways.
What do you think? What activities do you do to ‘exercise your brain in a different context’?
I wonder where does the husband fit in when his wife becomes a mother to their child?
good question Chris Chua (aka my dad!).
I think it’s important to see both mum and dad as a team, and not to segregate them into separate spheres (e.g. dad just brings in the money, mum runs the home). Following that line of thinking, I’m not a fan of talking about ‘roles’, i.e. rigid constructions that focus on tasks rather than how people relate to each other in a family. I prefer to think about how mum and dad (or in the context of a marriage, a husband and wife) can work as one.
So in the context of functioning as one body, it’s great when dads can give mums time and ‘permission’ (mums aren’t often good at giving themselves this) to challenge themselves in other ways…I don’t want to give naff examples of what that looks like in our marriage as it looks different for everyone, except to say that I’ve found when a husband is supportive of a wife pursuing other interests, it makes it a lot easier. Oh and it goes both ways too – mums giving dads time to do things that they find challenging/enjoying.
Are you reading my mind? I’ve been thinking through these same things – but you express them so much better than I can!
Thanks Soph
Loved reading this Soph. I agree with you that having time out to exercise your brain in a different way is really important as a full-time mum. Whenever I am able to do this (gets harder now that we have 4 kids!) – I always feel more refreshed to be able to give more as a wife & mum. I do delight in my children but I also love the pleasure of listening to a sermon (uninterrupted!), reading a good book or even connecting with people on facebook (!) in an otherwise child-filled day.
What a great way to be mentally stimulated, Karen